20 Questions that Erode Perfectionism

Ever encounter someone perfectionistic and judgemental at the same time? Perfection can easily be the perversion and corruption of excellence. “The perfect is the enemy of the good.”

Perfectionism is sometimes used as a club to harm others. What’s underneath?

Barbie & Perfectionism, topic covered below.

What explains it the best: “Perfectionism nearly always has its roots in a desire for acceptance and fear of rejection. It can be the garden-variety, pride-fueled, general fear of what people will think of us, or it can be a crippling, conditioned fear of failing instilled into us by an abusive past or present authority figure. And if we’re honest, sometimes it’s a convenient excuse not to do something hard. In other words, it’s not really perfectionism, but indulgence wearing a disguise.” ~ Jon Bloom, writer, DesiringGod . org

[Perfectionists] don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

Psychology Today, Basics

It is also considered a disorder when used in harmful ways:

“What makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.”
~ Psychology Today, Basics

Here are some strategies to counter the disabling aspects of Perfectionism:

1) If you encounter negative perfectionism in a relationship, take the time to get clear about your goals and how your experience with perfectionist behavior in the other person has created a conflict.

2) Review your own expectations of what is professional and respectful, and put together talking points about your expectations. Yes, you can set expectations upward and have a conversation about clarifying those expectations.

3) Consider asking powerful questions that are in your best interest. Do not ask any questions that weaken your progress toward your goals. Powerful questions provoke strategic thinking and uncover hidden knowledge and assumptions. Examples of powerful questions are below. What supersedes them is this:

“the most powerful question of all is the one that works within the context of the situation at hand. The question must be appropriate to the person(s) being addressed, the timing must be spot-on, but most importantly it must unlock the door to reveal the needed input/feedback/information.”¹

That said, in executive coaching, these powerful questions have a track record in helping a leader unlock hidden personal knowledge and goals:

1. How would your ideal self create a solution?
2. What would you try now if you knew you could not fail?
3. What is the experience you are looking to create?
4. What’s your biggest risk in this, and what’s your fallback position?
5. Other than your title, why should anyone be led by you?
6. If I did nothing at all, what would happen?
7. What’s important? (Ultimately, the most powerful question of this list, when well timed.)
8. What five words describe you at your best?
9. How do you see your best self embodying these words, in action in your future?
10. Are there next steps?²
    

Bolded items above are among my favorites.

For organizations and groups and leaders:

1. What business are we in?
2. Who do we serve?
3. What’s working?
4. What’s not?³
5. What do we envision as our top 1-3 victories, major accomplishments or “big wins”?
6. What rules should we be breaking? (Reference: What rules have we have broken in the past successfully?)
7. What do we need to start today to create a positive, preferred, powerful future now?
8. What makes our culture unique and how do we protect what is good in that?
9. Other than financial, how does our work change lives and make the world a better place?
10. What future abundance will help us be successful now?

Perfectionism meets Barbie: At the time of this writing, the Barbie movie has become a much talked about summer movie phenomenon. Barbie, the doll and symbol, is also a current cultural icon highlighting the changes in our society from the 2023 movie’s iconic opening scenes to adaptations of the doll over the years, by the company, Mattel. The company is featured in the movie in a humorous, self-deprecating way. Mattel also took steps to make Barbie more inclusive through offering different body types, skin tones, hairstyles. In the movie, age is also covered — reflecting the variety of what is considered beautiful in the real world.

So when preparing to sit down and negotiate agreements with a Perfectionist, remember the changes you have made in your own life. Review your successes, your own powerful lessons from failure, and your power. Becoming anti-fragile through resilience in the face of the negative perfectionism, staying determined and courageous will help you ask the powerful questions in the right time, in the right space, for the right reasons. It is how you build a future far beyond what you have to settle for when leaving things as they may end up without taking initiative. Build the future that you want. It may not be perfect. Instead it may be merely excellent.

It may not be perfect. Instead it may be merely excellent.

Photos, The Barbie premiere in July, August 2023 and Views from the East Porch, Grand Hotel, Mackinac Bridge, Michigan – Photo Credits: Deb Nystrom

#ThoughtsfortheWeek #Reveln #RevelnConsulting

References:

Psychology Today, Basics, Perfectionism

1. Forbes, Mike Myatt quoting a reader, The 50 Most Powerful Questions a Leader can Ask, June 2016. Several other questions on this list are adaptations from the article. ↩︎
2. In the BCoach executive coaching process that I use, closed ended questions like this are provocative when asked at the right time, and lead to strategy building plans. ↩︎
3. From the Preferred Futuring process of planning that I’ve used with organizations over the years. Reference: Ron Lippitt, a cofounder of the National Training Center for Group Dynamics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and a cofounder of the Center on the Research for the Utilization of Scientific Knowledge at the University of Michigan. He is renowned for his classic work on the effects of democratic, autocratic and laissez faire leadership of small groups, and for his later work on planned change. ↩︎